March's Episode Rant

Eposide 705

There are times when even I think television can do harm to the minds of the people watching it. This day was one of those days. The moment I walked into the Professors office and saw Vince in a heated debate with Aarron, over a TV program, I knew there was going to be trouble.

"Was too!"

"Vince, you dolt, it was not!"

"Aarron, you are so stoned . . . Escape 2000 is todays show."

"That does not mean that the film documented in Cinemania 95 and the Corel Guide is the film being shown. It's just not MST3K material."

"Then why isn't it in there."

Foolishly I interrupted the conversation. "Did you look under Turkey Shoot?"


Both Aarron and Vince responded to my statement.

"It did have another title. Distributors do that a lot when they get these recycled films, especially if it was released by Film Ventures. They let us see Space Travellers in all its glory. FVI also brought us Stranded in Space, Being from Another Planet, Pod People and I swear to Doug, though I have no proof, Cave Dwellers as well."

Aarron was tapping his foot. "Benson, what the hell does that have to do with what Vince and I were talking about?"

"Check the film guide, you'll see."

Vince was rapidly trying to get the Corel Movie guide going. As he clicked through the menus I was looking for an escape route.

"Wow! Here it is!"

Aarron slid up next to his lackey. "Read it Vince. Escape 2000, also know as Turkey Shoot. A 1981 Australian action film directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith and starring Steve Railsback and Olivia Hussey. Basically a cheap ripoff of The Most Dangerous Game. I don't know Vince, it doesn't sound like a MST kind of film."

I had given up and was searching the refrigerator for a six pack of beer. "Why don't you just wait until the show comes on. If you see these dudes in the credits, Vince is right, if not, then Aarron, your right."

"I am always right Mister Benson."

Yeah . . . right.

"So why does Film Ventures retitle them? I mean Turkey Shoot is a bad title but there certainly had to have been a better title than Pod People."

I knew I was in for a long ride with this line of questioning so I settled into the chair. You know the chair I'm talking about . . . the La-Z-Boy Atomolounger. The very same chair that is used by bargain basement hospitals to sedate people when they have run out of Thorozine.

"Why are you asking me, I'm not a Hollywood type, maybe it so that people won't remember how bad it was when it originally played. I mean If you were trying to package Stop! Or my Mom Will Shoot. and sell it on video to unsuspecting Frenchmen, wouldn't you change the title."

"I'd say the French would deserve it. Come on, they think Jerry Lewis is a genius and haven't won a war since they fought each other."

Before Aarron could say anything further, the show started.

It was great. It was a lot like Warrior of the Lost World. You had a cornicopia of badly costumed pinheads acting like a rebel band, fighting and led by an idiot. They were fighting a militaristic thug and a bunch of cheaply uniformed troops. A lot of explosions and not much acting.

Aarron was gloating. "See Vince, it was nothing like that damn Movie Guide of yours. Leave the Bronx, what the hell is that supposed to mean. Who would want to built there anyway."

But Vince was being oddly quiet. He had again jumped on the computer and was searching through some database, mumbling the word Bronx over and over again.

Aarron was still rambling. "Besides, the Bronx isn't that bad of a place. I mean there are worse places, like Compton. And what was the deal with Henry Silva? Even that guy was too good of an actor to have degraded himself to be in this film."

"That's it!"

We both looked at Vince. What now?

He turned to us and smiled. "Escape from the Bronx."

The Professor shook his head. "No idiot, it was 'leave the Bronx'."

Hozehead shook his head. "The movie was called Escape from the Bronx."

"I think you're confusing it with Escape from New York."

Again Vince was shaking his head. "No look. Escape from the Bronx was the sequel to the Bronx Warriors. Cinemania says that the guy who played Trash in this one also played him in the first one."

"You mean there was a first one?"


I looked at the Professor and said "So you were both wrong." Then, for no reason whatsoever, I started laughing like Tobleron.

Vince and the Professor looked at me with what appeared to be either fear of hatred. Aarron simply asked Vince for a set of . . .

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