Episode 519

The Outlaw of GDI

Ahh, nothing makes a peptic ulcer boil so much as to walk into the Professors office and immediately realize that there is going to be trouble. Now I'm sure you gentle readers are saying "That Benson is always over reacting." Well you might be right, but you don't have to work with Aarron like I do, so keep your opinions to yourself.

Aarron was at the computer, shouting at Vince and Nagasaki Chen. If I haven't told you before, Nagasaki is another of the Professor's associates. He is a genius in mechanical engineering and knows a lot about computers (though he still swears by OS2 Warp).

"Dammit Chen! What the hell is wrong with the video capture card? It was working just last month when I snagged those Mighty Jack pics!"

"I think it's an IRQ problem. All of this trouble started after you had to replace the old PS2 mouse with that serial mouse. I think it sucked up an IRQ."

"I think? You're the computer geek at GDI, you're supposed to know these things."

"Stay off my back Aarron. It's not my fault that you still resist buying both a Pentium and Windows 95. Your in the stone age."

"Screw Bill Gates! Another year of covert investigation and I'll have his ass in court on a charge of International Fraud."

"And his little dog too."

"Ahh Mister Benson! Just in time for todays episode. And I see you have brought more of that fetid beer that you and Vince swill . . . what brand is it today? Hamms?"

Fetid! How dare he talk about a beer from the land of sky blue waters. "Geez Aarron, you're in a crappy mood today, what happened, the cable provider take C-SPAN off the service?"

It was at that point the Professor began to ramble about how evil Oceanic Cable was and that it was all part of some international conspiracy by the Disney Corporation to take over the world. I of course tuned out most of his babbling and crashed in the chair. You know the chair I'm talking about . . . the La-Z-Boy Atomolounger. The chair that Jack Kevorkian used as a prototype for his suicide machine because of its patented ability to gently ease a person into a blissful, coma-like state of relaxation.

Anyway, the show started and even though Aarron's capture board wasn't working, we enjoyed it immensly. I felt that this was that show that Mike Nelson really started to throw off the ghost of Joel. Vince seemed really disturbed by the midget and the Edgar Winter Babies line. Aaron and Nagasaki seemed really interested in the whole Home Stone thing to the point where Chen started making rough blueprints on his notepad.

When it was over we all settled into the usual post experiment routine, however unwilling Vince and I were.

"Jack Palance."

"Yep."

The Professor strummed his fingers on the table. "What was he thinking?"

It seemed a harmless enough topic to play with. "If you think he was horrible in Outlaw, you should see him in Angels Revenge. He was obviously hurting for cash in theose days before City Slickers."

"Benson, he's not a very good actor to start with. And he was a fool to have got suckered into a contract with Golan and Globus. He starred in the first Gor film, so he was either drunk . . . a lot or just stupid. Either way, he is a crappy actor."

I reacted. "What about Shane?"

"He played that guy Wilson, not Shane. However, Shane was a good film so you must balance it with his role in Warhol's Cocaine Cowboys. Boy I can't believe people even though Warhol was capable of 15 minutes of fame."

Vince renewed the offensive. "What about Barabbas? Bring us Barabbas."

"Yeah, but they chose Quinn, a far better actor, to play the title role. Again, Palances lack of acting talent made him a second bannana . . . and a moldy one at that. Besides, who can forget his memmorable lack of input to the horrid Canadain film The Shape of Things to Come."

"But he was in Batman."

"And your point Vince? Michael Keaton was no Adam West . . . I'd stake my semi-professional reputation on it. And he did appear in I Died A Thousand Times with Shelly Winters."

"But Earl Holliman was in the film."

"EARL HOLLIMAN!"

"Pepper, you're going undercover."

"Push the button Vince."



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