Episode 504

Super Cool Agent Guy, Sort Of

    I will say this up front, I was actually looking forward to this day in the Professors office.  I could overlook the fact that everyone else in the office was totally insane.  I could also forget the warning signs of strife that were coming.  After all, it is usually a bad sign when the Professor himself looked excited.  Granted, Vince was making margaritas as usual, but there was a spring in his step which I hadn't seen since that ill-fated vacation in France which was the major catalyst for the socialist shift in their politics.
    And all of this was not due to the fact that the Sci-Fi channel had just replayed Agent For Harm, allowing me to get my season eight collection in order.
    It was because the Professor was queuing up one of my favorite episodes.  An episode that had some of the best wise cracks since the season two and three days.  A movie that was bad but actually had entertainment value enough to make it enjoyable without the boys talking.
    We were watching Secret Agent Super Dragon.

    When it was over, everyone had something to say, even Mercedes.
    Vince was the first to throw his two cents into the deal. "Sure it was a mediocre film at best, but after the recent James Bond revival deal, with product tie-in commercials and over-the-top special effects make it pale in comparison . . ."
    "It pales in comparison to even to the worst Bond film."
    "Would you let me finish Aarron.  As I was saying, even with the James Bond revival, I still dig this film.  There were actually action scenes of a non-gadget or vehicle orientation.  Granted he always got his ass kicked, or had to be aided by his doughy sidekick, but there was still action."
    Nagasaki was next to speak.  "While we're on the topic of gadgets, I have to wonder why they even put these bits into the script.  Did he actually need the bullet-proof vest?  What was the purpose of that dangling string?  In fact, the only cool gadgets were used by Babyface."
    "Probably because they felt they had to do the gadgets so people was feel more Bondian association with the film.  That didn't mean they had to use them.  Besides, there were several points where you could tell the film was edited, maybe these toys were used in those scenes.  Actually the only cool gadget was that little robot deal when Babyface showed up.  Crow may have been more right than all of us know.  If this movie had been a success, we might have Agent Cooper as the symbol of all that's cool for men."
    Mercedes picked up.  "Great, another dominant male who uses women for his own pleasure, showing love only when the woman dies to save him.  A man who attracts one after another vacuous girl with big hair and bad makeup.  Love them and leave them.  Yeah, that's the kind of example all men should follow.  The great Bondian lie that says that if you're smooth enough, you can bag any chick you want.
    "Damn right!  Hey tramps need lovin' too!  When I was a little boy, all I wanted to be was James Bond.  He was a strong male role model.  Besides, you girls had that chick from the Avengers, Diana whatshername," shouted Vince.
    "Besides honey, no guy wants to see a spy who is nice," said the Professor as he moved closer to his girlfriend.  "Servo called the ball when they did that little play.  A popular film spy has to do all of the cool stuff, he has to fight bad guys, get in near-death situations, and most importantly, he has to use women like they were play things.  It's the rules of mass media's acceptance of the fact that there are people out there who kill others for a living to protect the interests of a government."
    Mercedes huffed to the bar to pour herself another margarita.  "Please, there is nothing so grand in the reason women are used in these films.  Sex sells tickets."
    I had to try and get the conversation back on course.  "But you had to admit, even though the plot was thin, and the villain wasn't that evil, and the bad guys weren't too dangerous and the chicks were average looking, you have to admit he was an okay spy."
    Aarron looked perplexed.  "What was the deal with the head villain?  What was the deal with the W thing with the evil society?  How come the bad guy had all of the good gadgets?  He gave Super Dragon far too many breaks by send all of those incompetent thugs to work Cooper over.  When he really needed some critical agent killing done, he let the chicks do all of the ordering around and we all know that won't work."
   Vince snapped back immediately.  "Doctor Forrester explained this in depth.  He didn't have an exotic animal or gruesome disfiguration.  I have to add that he also didn't have a head lackey do do the real dirty work.  No Odd Job, no Jaws, No Rosa Klebb."
    "Rosa Klebb?"
    "You know, the short communist chick with the boot knife in From Russia With Love."
    "Okay, so who was the weakest Bond Villain, not counting Casino Royale, and treating the individual pawns of S.P.E.C.T.R.E as individual head villains," asked the Professor?
    Vince responded first.  "I'd have to say Scaramanga, the third nipple guy in the Man With The Golden Gun.  Even his head lackey was pathetic . . . I mean Tattoo?  Jeez."
    Aarron looked at Nagasaki.  "Well Chen?"
    "I'm going with Blofeld himself in On Her Majesties Secret Service.  He didn't really come off as a menacing guy in that film.  Granted he had both the pet and a physical disfiguration, but Telly Savalas."
    Everyone seemed to agree with that one.
    It was Mercedes' turn.  "Well, I will have to go with the head bad guy in Moonraker.  Sure he had Jaws as a lackey, but Jaws was at his best in For Your Eyes Only.  And as outrageous as many Bond gadgets were, I could not imagine a combined space program like they had."
    I was next. "Hands down, the drug dude from License to Kill.  No great lackeys, he ripped off the alligator bit from Kananga in Live and Let Die, which I may add is one of the two good Roger Moore Bond films."
    Aarron smiled at us.  "You are all so wrong.  It would have to be the villain from Living Daylights.  Joe Don Baker . . . Mitchell!  Not menacing with those killer toys.  And now he is Felix Leiter.  What the hell were they thinking?  Jack Lord was the only good Felix.
    Push the button Frank.

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