Porno Maidens from Outer Space

An Essay on Episode 416

Ah, it looked like it was going to be a good day. The sun was shining, the beer was in the fridge getting real cold, and Fire Maidens From Outer Space was todays experiment. I mean, the name alone sent visions of cool lava pits and brawny chicks taking over the world. My brain reeled as I thought of the many forms of domination could be administered by these women on the weak and helpless inhabitants of the Earth.

"Benson, the film was shot in the fifties."

Damn! He always spoils everything.

I sat down in the chair. You know the chair I'm talking about . . . the La-Z-Boy Atomolounger. The chair that has an anesthesia-like quality not even found in novacaine. Oh yeah.

Aarron slid up next to me with a devious grin on his face. "You know Mister Benson, I'm really looking forward to todays show, you want to know why?"

"No Aarron, actually I don't. Yesterday you were a very bitter bear over that whole beatniks deal, and I really don't want to deal with it today. I just want to watch the film and then head home."

The Professor looked dissapointed. Now when I say dissapointed, I don't mean "asking for a bike and getting an Evil Knievel Zip Racer for Christmas" kind of dissapointed. It was more of a "I have a really cool secret I want to tell" kind of dissapointed. "Come on Benson, it's a really cool secret."

See. Of course I didn't care.

"Sorry Aarron, I don't want to hear it."

Graves whipped around to face Hozler. Vince, as always, was too damn slow to avoid it. "No way Aarron, I'm not playing."

"Vince, you want me to tell the story of you and that little brothel in Colombia?"

He's nailed.

"Okay, what's the secret?"

"I actually saw this flick in the theatres when I was a kid." Aarron turned back to me. "And the very same visions were floating in my head as well Benson. Unfortunately . . ."

The reason the Professor was cut off was because the show was starting and even he had the presence of mind to be quiet and watch the TV.

We all enjoyed the show. Aarron seemed truely giddy with the Timmy plotline and I had to admit, I especially liked the Aliens reference. The downside was that Vince was just as spastic about the lack of action as the Bots were at the end of the film. Then again, Vince is spastic most of the time.

But as soon as the ending credits rolled up, I began making my way for the door. Face it, prison time would be better. Unfortunately, like novacaine, my reactions were dulled . . . at least I could still feel my face.

"Wasn't this film like a prono flick?"

That stopped me. Hey, I'm a normal guy and I enjoy a film shot on a ten cent budget starring people with no clothes. The Professor had intrigued my interest . . . this was a bad sign of things to come.

Vince tried to focus the conversation. "Yeah, except they all had clothes on."

Aarron nodded his head and spoke. "Correct Hozehead, but can't you see the similarities?"

Todays topic seemed like an easy one. "Of course. There were dozens of women, just hanging around, with very few spoken parts. Their whole job in the flick was to look pretty and please the men of the film. It was quite sexist when you look at it. The men just hung around, letting the women feed them wine and food and massaging them."

Vince interrupted. "And there is something wrong with that?"

The Professor looked at me, which scared me. "Benson, you've hit the nail right on the head. And there was even the standard girl on girl allusion, seen in all porno films. You had that scene where a bunch of the women ganged up and decided to torture the chick. Oh sure, they weren't taking each others clothes off and such, but like I said earlier, this was the fifties."

Vince finally seemed to be following. "Oh, so the continual playing of Springtime in Paridise was equivilant to that waka chika music that is in all prono films."

Graves looked eccstatic. "Precisely, especially since the music in this film, like porno films, was so out of place; played during scenes that had no correlation with the music. In a sense, since waka chika music is so pleasurable, the classical soundtrack to this film should have been venerated by the Bots, not scorned."

Vince's eye was twitching. "And that monster thing, he reminded me a lot of Ron Jeremy. Some ugly pinhead who still gets some action."

We weren't going to respond to that one.

"So what other films with no real sexuality to them give the impression of porno films?"

Now this was a question that I could actually answer.

"Flash Gordon?"

Aarron nodded. "Heavy B&D overtones."

"Maximun Overdrive?"

"Big mechanical pleasure message Vince."

"Hillbillies in a Haunted House?"

"What is your thing with that film?"

"Kitten With a Whip."

The Professor thought for a moment. "Ann Margaret . . . the title alone says it."


"Oh yeah, big in the gay community."

"Plan Nine from Outer Space?"

The Professor and I both shook our heads. "Never pick on that film. It is funny on its own merits."

"But Vampirella? Tor Johnson?"

Push the button Frank.

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