Episode 303

Pod People Got No Reason To Live

"What the hell is a life-size replica of Alf doing in your office?"

That statement alone should tell you that it was not going to be a normal day. It always goes that way. I go to the Professor's office to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and suddenly I am assaulted by the appearance of a washed up TV show character.

"It's in honor of today's show."

"Alf is what we are watching? I'm leaving man. That show blew dog. The only thing that was good about that show was that it spawned a pretty good saturday morning cartoon."

"No you colossal idiot, I'm not talking about Alf. I'm talking about MST3k . . . today's show is Pod People. Don't you remember the show?"

"Of course I do Aarron, it just got released on video, so everyone has probably seen it. I still don't understand why . . . oh. Now I see it. You are trying to point out the similarity of Alf to that creature thing from the show . . . Trumpy."

Vince staggered out of the kitchen with a pitcher of Margaritas. "Took you long enough."

"Be careful about the stones you cast, you only figured it out ten minutes ago . . . and the dummy has been in the office for five days. And you only got it because I told you."

In the Professors hand was a furry tube. "And what the hell is that," I asked?"

"Paper towel roll with shag carpet glued to it. It's the nose." He walked over to the dummy and stuck the tube to its face. "See, almost twins."

"Whatever. Let's just watch the show."

It was and has always been one of my favorites. The fact alone that they did the McLeoud bit a whole lot of times always makes me laugh. Plus the continual ripping on Renaissance festival losers kicked ass. Crow's placing of twisted voices on the good Trumpy and I even heard Aarron give that disturbing little chuckle that he sometimes lets slip out.

Unfortunately this pleasure was destroyed by Vince and his psychosis. "What the hell was up with that crappy film. Was that even made in America. When that guy in the studio said it stinks, that's not what he said. Seeing that I have a degree in Advanced Lip Reading . . ."

"Wait a minute, there's no such thing." I'm sorry, I had to throw the bullshit flag.

"Benson, it's better to just let him babble, it makes his little seizure go faster."

Vince looked at me and smiled. "As I was saying, my degree allows me to determine that the guy does not say "it stinks" but rather "Cuervo".

Even the Professor laughed. "Come on Vince, he says that only because you have it on your brain . . . literally. You've been hitting those Margaritas all day and they ave definately altered your thought process. I mean, yes, the movie did stink, and yes it seems as if they aren't from America. But if you check out the Corel All-Movie Guide, a far better catalog that Cinemania, you'll find that, first off, the movie was called The Unearthling. Of course they don't have anything to say about it, but what can you expect from a crappy film that was bought by Film Ventures."

"Yeah. What the hell did that opening credit sequence have to do with the film. Some guy has a cue ball for a belt buckle. What is with those guys."

The Professor agreed with me . . . which bothered me greatly. "Talk about deceptive advertising."

Vince was tapping his foot. "Can I finish with my statement?"

We didn't want to say anything to encourage him.

"Sure the Movie Guide says it was made in America, but those actors are known for their work in Europe. I'm telling you he said Cuervo."

I tried to get the whole thing back on track. "Okay Aarron, what's the deal with the Alf dummy. I understand the association between Trumpy and Alf, but is there something more, or am I supposed to be in awe of your ability to associate two different things?"

"It's more than just the look. Just check out the way he's looking at those pets. The boys caught onto it right away. Alf had that love for cats as a food product. Now originally I thought he was just Korean or something. But no, it's deeper than that. Just like Trumpy, Alf would eat human food, but he really wanted to eat what he liked."

"No more Tabby Pot Pie for me."

"Exactly Mister Benson."

"Of course you never saw Alf trying to kill Willie. Nor did you ever once see any member of the Tanner family pull a gun on another and go psycho. Additionally, Alf was never able to do stupid magic tricks.

Again the Professor agreed with me. "Of course not, Willie never had a wet bar. You know, NBC made a big mistake not capitalizing on the same premise of this movie. What if an evil version of Alf . . . mischevious, breaking stuff, punching around that little kid . . . landed on Earth and tried to take the good Alf's place. They could have gone with a two part season ender."

"Yeah . . . Alf has to decide weather to stay with the Tanners or take the ship that the evil Alf arrived with and return to his beloved Melmac. A real tear jerker. He takes off and everyone is sad. You flash a couple of slow motion shots of Alf's past antics. Then just before the show ends, the ship returns, Alf comes in and everyone is happy. Put NBC tripe."

"Excuse me," interrupted Vince. "I was trying to make my point about the dubbing."

"You already did."

"No Aarron, I didn't. I'm telling you, he's saying Cuervo."

"Oh really Vince. Why don't we just put the tape on the Video system and see."


So the tape was queued up and we spent nearly six point three minutes watching the frames 24:50 through 25:30 repeatedly before anyone came up with an answer for the "what is he really saying" question."

The Professor was rubbing his chin. "He's saying "whatever' Vince."

Vince jumped up to defend himself. "I think not Aarron. He's saying Cuervo or my name isn't Texas Bob."

"Your name is not Texas Bob."

"That's what you think Aarron. If we ever go to Waco, you'll find out differently."

The Professor turned to me. "What do you think Benson."

"Figure it out for yourself. Either way . . . It Stinks."

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