Episode 213
Destroy All Copies

    Maybe it was the sign on the door saying “Keep Out or Die” that made me wonder what the hell was going on in the Professors private side-office. It was certainly what kept Nagasaki from trying to figure out what was going on . . . a fact that in itself was disturbing if you knew Doctor Chen’s nature.
    It may have been the disturbing noises that were coming from the very same place. Sometimes these noises sounded like giant pneumatic presses, crushing something with a horrible slowness fancied by people who torture others for pleasure. Other times there was this bone rattling electrical hum that gave me a slight headache. But it was the moments of silence coming from that office that really worried me.
    So I took the advice of Nagasaki and grabbed a bottle of beer. The show was coming on in a couple of hours and I assumed that I could just drink myself into an alcohol-induced sense of peace. As always, I was so wrong.
    And Vince almost crushed me when he kicked the door open.
    In his arms was a stack of boxes with that disturbing biohazard logo on them. Now I’ll admit that I tend to overreact around things that happen at the Professors office, but come on, that little symbol is designed as a warning for people. You’re supposed to react adversely and get as far away as you can from it.
    “Make a hole Mister Benson, Aarron and I have lots of work to do before today’s episode comes on!”
    “What’s in the boxes Vince,” asked Nagasaki?
    The door to the Aarron’s office slammed behind Hozehead without him responding.
    I looked at Nagasaki and he had the same confused look on his face that I did. The silence lasted for several minutes until I finally decided to ask, even though I knew that it would come to bite me in the ass later on.  “What do you suppose they are doing in there?”
    The esteemed Asian Doctor took a moment to ponder my question, then said “From the amount of secrecy the two of have initiated in this situation, coupled with the evidence we have seen Vince bring into these spaces, I can only assume that . . . “
    “Nagasaki,” I interrupted.
    “Just answer the damn question.”
    “They are either creating an aberration of nature, or . . .”
    “Or they are destroying something for fun.”
    Suddenly Vince came running out of the office with the same look on his face that Nagasaki had on his last Christmas when the toaster he had “made” started glowing red. This did not make me happy to say the least.
    Aarron followed close behind him and threw something black at his partner.  Nagasaki and I ducked, fearing the worst.
    But there was no explosion . . . just Vince saying.
    “Ow! That hurt Aarron.”
    And I caught a glimpse of what Aarron has tossed at Hozler. All of the pain and strife he had caused me today, all of the anxiety and nail biting.  I focused my eyes to get a better look and the item was defined to where I could decipher what it was.
    “It’s a damn videotape!”
    Aarron picked the tape up from the floor with the rubber gloves still on and corrected me. “Not just any tape Mister Benson, but one of the most evil video tapes ever released.”
    “Barb Wire.”
    “No you idiot, it’s one of the most horrific defilement of a genre ever released in the theatres.”
    “Never Say Never Again?”
    “No Benson! It is Godzilla, the new Godzilla.”
    I was at a loss for words. Nagasaki, however, filled in for me. “What the hell does that have to do with Mystery Science Theater 3000?”
    Aarron gave Doctor Chen a cold look. “Isn’t it obvious Nagasaki? Vince, put in the tape!”
    Vince crossed his arms in defiance. “Do it yourself Aarron, do I look like your personal lackey.”
    The Professor put his finger to his chin. “Let’s see . . . you voluntarily perform tasks for me, you work for me for free, you accept everything I say as fact . . .”
    “Don’t forget that he participates in hazardous experiments and adventures with you,” I added.
    “Right, so you see Vince, you apparently are my lackey.”
    Hozler put the tape into the VCR and pressed play.
    And there it was, Episode 213, Godzilla Vs. The Sea Monster. Now this film is a perfect example of how a bad movie can be made great by the treatment of the boys. Again, the pathetic Leonard Maltin, due to his sad misunderstanding of movies gave this flick two and a half stars. Yes he is clinically insane. But lets get down to it. Doctor Forester, in this episode like so many others steals the show during the invention exchange. Joel is his funniest when they are doing Japanese films, especially when he makes the riff with the accent.
    As we watched, the room was split. Vince and Aarron and Godzilla purists if you can use the word. They feel that Godzilla started to go downhill once Godzilla 1985 was released. On the other hand, Nagasaki and I feel that the later Godzilla flicks were better than the stuff that came after the original.
    “Come on Aarron, what the hell kind of monster is a giant lobster? Crow had it right with the drawn butter reference. The episode is saved by the continual B-52’s references.”
    Aarron responded. “I disagree Benson, the adding of the groovy young men and the criminal guy served to add a layer of character development not often seen in Godzilla films.”
    Nagasaki huffed. “Please, it’s a giant monster movie, there isn’t supposed to be any character development except for the scientists who have to come up with the plan to beat it. What the hell does it say about science when some hippie kids beat the King of all Monsters when the best men, even Doctor Honishiro of the prestigious Tokyo Institute of Atomic Mutation Research can’t beat it.”
    “You cannot deny the fact that they broke from the norm by not having Godzilla trash a city again. That was a risky move by the producers,” said Vince as he cracked open a beer.
    “Risky,” I shouted! “It was just plain wrong. You do not tinker with a successful formula! Smashing buildings and panicking the general populace of Tokyo was a winning formula. What excitement is there in smashing trees and such.”
    “Well he did take out that military base,” added Vince.
    “Please, those young punks could have taken it out with enough time,” I replied.
    Vince was starting to wind up, noticeable in the fact that his hair was discharging static electricity. "Come on man, this flick had groovy human action and those dancing chicks.”
    "Worshipping a moth may I add,” retorted Nagasaki. “It kind of negates your whole point. What the hell kind of monster is a Moth? Oohh, no powers except that it can get dust in my eye. Sometimes I’m ashamed of my fellow Japanese countrymen.”
    When the show ended, I was still kind of confused as to where Aarron was going with the whole Godzilla movie release deal. Unfortunately, this question would soon be answered.
    “So you see Mister Benson, the older Godzilla’s, and to a lesser extent the later Japanese made ones that came out after Godzilla 1985 are still better than this Sony pictures crap that came out this year. I mean which executive was on crack when they said, “I know, we’ll get Matthew Broderick to play the action hero lead.” And he was obviously surrounded by people just as high on drugs as he was because wonderful ideas like “we’ll make him a mother,” “we need a more Jurassic Park look to him,” and “I know, we’ll get Puff Daddy to rape a Led Zeppelin song so we can market it to more people even though it doesn’t relate one bit to the film.” What the hell were they thinking? Did they not know the history of Godzilla?”
    “Well at least he trashed New York.”
    “Yeah, that was pretty cool. I never tire of seeing that city destroyed."
    “Who doesn't."
    "But the point is that we have to destroy all copies of this movie. Instead of this crap filling up the shelves for a couple of weeks until the people that have already seen it have rented it and realized how stoned they must have been when they were in the theatres, why don't they put Godzilla versus Destroyer out there. ”
    "Push the button Aarron."
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