Episode 1013
The Final Episode

    "I swear to Doug, I'm going to blow up this goddamned TV!"
    Vince Hozler is insane.
    There he was, throwing things around the Professor's office, ranting and raving about something he had seen in TV Guide.  This is an educated man, who actually teaches the youth of today to be the leaders of tomorrow, acting like a little baby
    "What in the hell are these people thinking!  This time my faith in televisions ability to continue to entertain me is severely tested. I mean I nearly lost hope when they axed Battlestar Galactica, and I almost took up a hobby after they canceled Max Headroom, but this is the final fricking straw."
    Aarron, Mercedes and his daughter walked into the office.  You would think that with a crazy man tearing up his office, they would try to calm him down or call security or something . . .  after all, I sure as hell wasn't going to risk keeping Vince from his stroke."
    But you do not know the Graves family very well.
    "What happened Vince, are Melrose Place reruns only airing three times a day than the usual six," asked Mercedes?
    "Did TV Land cancel that ill conceived A-Team marathon," added Aarron.
    "Or did they change the Pink Power Ranger again," finished Aarron's daughter.
    You see, they encourage him.
    "No!  That goddamed Sci-Fi channel canceled Mystery Science Theater 3000!"

    We were all quite stunned.
    All except for the Professor.  He just sat down at his desk and began tapping his pencil.
    "What do you mean canceled," I asked, "They were supposed to have a five year contract, and unless the way we count time has changed while I was asleep, only three years have passed."
    Vince was pacing around the room, smoking cigarettes . . . my cigarettes, with a full on eye twitch.  "I know!  At first I thought it was another Internet hoax like that stupid rumor that Pamela Anderson had breast reduction surgery."
    I didn't want to spoil the moment.
    "But there was this commercial on almost seven minutes and thirty two seconds ago that said that they were going to air the final episode. I was hoping they meant the Final Countdown, you know the one where the aircraft carrier went back in time to the Pearl Harbor attack, which would have been a really cool movie to riff, but the big letters on the TV screen said the final show."
    I sat down in the chair . . . you know the chair I am talking about.  The very chair whose comfort has made so many people envious of its motto "so comfortable, it's like a second skin" that they have had naugahide grafts applied to their delicate areas . . . The La-Z-Boy Atomolounger.
    Unfortunately, this comfort was ruined by the fact that Vince had smoked all of my cigarettes, and drank all of the liquor, even that crappy Goldschlagger that Alicia likes.
    "Hey!  It has flakes of gold in it . . . it's campy."
    It still tastes like shit.
    Anyway.
    "I'm stunned.  A show like that was perfect on Sci-Fi.  I mean Mystery Science Theater, on Sci-Fi, they go together like peas in a Body Snatcher pod."
    Alicia, to my surprise was actually distressed by this and was trying to pry the bottle out of Hozehead's hands.  "First they cut back the scheduling of Space: Above and Beyond, then they kill off all of the good characters on the new Sliders, now this.  What the hell is this USA Network owned network thinking.  I mean Farscape is a decent show, but it's no Jack Frost."
    I have to note that while the three of us were making vague and pointless references to television shows in an effort to add creditability to our science fiction wisdom, Aarron and Mercedes were at the computer clicking away on the Internet.
    It was really getting on Hozler's nerves.
    "Aarron!  What do you have to say to this whole matter.  I mean you have to have some feelings on the subject.  After all, you were the one who bought that DVD burner so the episodes you have collected would never go to VHS hell."
    "Yes," was all Aarron said as he typed on his keyboard.
    "And that's it.  Was this just some fad that you took interest in, like yo-yo's or that time you were into collecting spoons.  You get everyone involved in your little hobbies and once we are totally immersed in it, you cut out.  I got stiffed with 211 Skipper dolls when you got over that that "friends of Barbie" phase . . . remember that you bastard!"
    "Yes, I remember, and no this is not one of those fads."
    "Then how can you take this so lightly?"  The froth was starting to form at the corners of his mouth when he said that.
    "Because."
    A devious little grin crept onto Mercedes' face when Aarron said that.  I even caught the hint that the Professor was playing Vince like a fiddle.  The problem was that even though I caught the hint, I, like Vince and Alicia, were suckered into this little game.
    Ready . . . GO!
    Vince took a deep breath, "sure, it took some time to get used to the fact that Doctor Forester had left.  Pearl wasn't that funny at first and I didn't care for Crow's new voice, but if you check out the KTMA episodes, you will see that Doctor F and Joel himself were not that funny and Servo didn't even talk.   Furthermore, Pearl's despotism was more humorous when aimed at her lackeys than at the SOL, which was the opposite of the Frank/Forrester relationship in which the tormenting of the crew is the funny."
    Alicia raised her hand, though I don't know why.  "And while it is true than many of the episodes in season 10 were not that good and the films kind of off topic, the same inference can be drawn from the season two paradox of the Joel era, where many of the movies were not science fiction, like Sidehackers and Catalina Caper, as well as not well riffed.  That shouldn't diminish the viability of the show."
    My turn.  "Yeah, and what about scarecrows brain."
    I may have been suckered in, but I didn't say I was stupid.
    Aarron turned to face us all.  "You all make good points. Disturbing, but valid.  What you have to understand, and would understand if you had read Best Brains official press release, or had gone to the Satellite of Love Info Site, or even listened to the subliminal masking on that commercial that stirred you up, you would discover that the boys at BB made the decision.  After all, eleven years is a pretty damn good run . . . a better run than most shows with bigger budgets get."
    Vince kicked the carpet.  "But there are still lots of really shitty films for them to mock.  Why in eleven years did they not touch Megaforce.  I can think of at least seven Barry Bostwick jokes right now, and I'm not even trying.  Who will let these Hollywood tripe churners know that they are selling crap.  It sure as hell won't be E!
    Aarron shook his head.  "Do you really think it was about that. MST3K wasn't some B-movie watchdog group out there to protect everyone from the poor acting skills of Alan Hale Jr.   They were just some guys who had a little fun with the flawed gems of cinema and happened to get lucky in that they got paid for it.  The skit at the end said it all, evil despot or not, they would riff the films because it makes the medicine go down better.
    The Professors daughter threw her hands up in the air in disgust. "I can see your point but what are we going to do on Saturday mornings now?  I mean, there are no good cartoons on any more and even with the satellite, the Japanese fighting porno cartoons won't be on until noon. What are we supposed to do?"
    Mercedes leaned over the desk.  "Well, you could go outside and get some fresh air.  Or read a book."
    Alicia laughed.  "Please mom, this coming from the woman who actually learned Spanish so she could understand what was being said on those telenovellas from Belize."
    "Hey, now I know that the reason why Lupe won't marry Hector is because her stepfather is Hectors brother.  But this is not about me, you could use some exercise to work off some of that beer you've been drinking with Mister Benson . . . little miss "I'm almost 21 so what's the big deal."
    Vince tossed the TV Guide at Mercedes. "Hey let's focus here.  The point I'm trying to make is that this show meant a lot to us all.  We had deep conversations about the episodes.  It won't be the same with reruns and by watching the tapes.  This show was a watermark in our lives and now there is a big, icky void that cannot be filled by even a hundred topless Sailor Scouts."
    Aarron looked stunned.  "Vince, what do you think we've been doing for the last three years.  Most of the shows we've had debates about were reruns.  Remember, we were trapped in the Bermuda Triangle when Fugitive Alien originally aired.  We have every episode on tape with the exception of the four KTMA's and the two season 10's that we missed during that ghost fiasco.  There will still be plenty of Saturdays.  Look on the bright side, we won't have to deal with any more commercials for Star Trek collectibles, or boring Twilight Zone marathons, and no more of that pinhead Desmond Crisis from C-Net Central.
    Vince put down the lamp he was about to throw.  "Well, that is a plus.  What the hell kind of name is Desmond Crisis anyway, were his parents panicky Brits or something."
    Aarron went over to Vince and patted him on the shoulder. "Besides, it's just a show, you should really just relax."

    Greetings everyone.  As a little extra special gift to commemorate the last episode of MST3K, here is a list of the best and worst from the GDI gang.
 

Topic
Aarron
Vince
Benson
Favorite Episode
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Hercules Unchained
Secret Agent Super Dragon
Worst Movie
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Red Zone Cuba
Skydivers
Favorite Character
Doctor Clayton Forrester
Crow
Crow
Best Line
Why Don't They Look
The Chief/McLeoud Bit
By This Time My Lungs Were Aching For Air
Joel or Mike (but play nice kids)
Mike
Joel
Mike
Movie They Should Have Done
Buckaroo Banzai
Megaforce
Gargoyles (with Bernie Casey)
Movie That Is Actually Good With The Riffs
The Black Scorpion
The Amazing Colossal Man
All Gamera Films
Worst Show (as in not funny)
Wild, Wild World of Batwoman
Village of the Giants
The Devil Doll

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