Would You Like Fries With That

July 1996's Debate

It was a good morning. I say this because the Professor wasn't in the room and Vince was fairly sober. Sure, we had already downed a six pack of Molsen and were already working on some food from McDonalds. Aarron and Miss Chance had gone grocery shopping . . . which is the primary reason Vince and I were eating fast food. Both the Professor and Miss Chance were terrible cooks.

Yep, it was a good morning.

"We're back!"

But it would never last.

The next thing I knew, Aarron was leering and Vince and I with a extremely disturbed look on his face. I had not seen this disturbed a look from the Professor since Mittens stained the carpet that bleak September . . . poor dead kitty.

"Vince! What are you eating?"

"Shiken Nuges."

Aarron tilted his head slightly. "Shakey Nudges?"

"Chichem Mugags."

The Professor raised an eyebrow at that one. "Chechian Gulags?"

The whole Abbot and Costello thing was becomming tiring so I intervened. "Chicken Nuggets Aarron! Goddamn Chicken Nuggets! Okay. Tasteless little globs of something called chicken, packaged in combinations of base 3 clusters and costing a lot more that a good breakfast at Kelly's."

"With a tangy barbecue sauce," added Vince.

Aarron looked at Mercedes. "These boys are going to die real early."

Vince jumped up. "Please Aarron, there is nothing wrong with dinner from McDonalds. I mean it's not like I am eating a can of lard or some excessivly fried product from some cheesy theme resturant like TGI Friday's."

"Except for the fact that McGrungy's food doesn't have much to offer in the way of nutritional value and there isn't a whole lot of taste in their pseudo-meat products. Especially those damn Nuggets. I don't know what the hell they are made of, but they sure don't taste like chicken. Instead of barbecue sauce they should give you chicken flavor sauce."

As much as I hate to agree with the Professor, he had a point. I ate McDonalds food only when I was either broke and desperate to eat, or I didn't have time to cook real, flavorful food like popcorn or Bologna sandwiches. On the other hand, it was only fast food. "Aarron, I don't see what the big deal is. It's crappy food . . . granted, but it's not like the weasels at McEvil's want their food to replace a regular meal."

It was at that point that the Professor jumped up, causing my systolic to rise. "That is exactly what they want. It's wrong, and they know it. You watch one of their commercials. Gone are the days when the friendly announcer, backed by Mayor McCheese said 'When you don't have time for a home-cooked meal, come to McNasty's and get something cheap.' Now, it's 'Come to McTasteless and get something to eat . . . you deserve it.' Like your body has a need for their imitation food products."

As Vince swallowed another nugget of pseudo-bird he added, "Whatever happened to Mayor McCheese? And why did they change that Burgler dude to a more kid-like appearance?"

"The Mayor was offed when he opposed Ronalds plan to subjugate the world and change the four food groups into the regular or supersize groups. As for Hamburgler, the old one was a metaphor for Ray Croc's criminal legacy in creating the fast food industry. Ronald had his appearance altered so that people would say 'hey, it's okay to destroy the traditional family meal paradigm because he's cute.' Bastards!"

"You have a lot of free time don't you Aarron?"

"Don't you see the evil at McCruddy's? Here's a place that encourages families to take their children there to have their birthday party. Yeah! Let's give the kids a healthy meal . . . let's see . . . cheeseburger with questionable meat content, overly salted fries that have been festering in the vat and a soda. Oh yeah, the American Dental Association reccomends that. And for desert . . . a cake? No! An apple pie! They don't even have cherry!"

"Why not. Kids like McIcky's! That's why they have the whole birthday thing there."

"No Vince, kids go there because we live in a culture that has allowed McShitty's to be accepted as a replacement for eating at home. I put to you that McGrubby's is singlehandedly responsible for the following social problems today." The Professor then moved swiftly to the chalkboard and grabbed the second hugest piece of chalk I've ever seen in my life.

Gang Violence
The Destruction of the Middle Class
Educational Bankrupcy
America's Poor State of Health
and Alicia Silverstone

"Come on Aarron. It's only fast food. What abouth Burger King, or Jack in the Box?"

Vince reacted swiftly. "You leave Jack out of this! Jack is not only a sucessful businessman but a patriot and one hell of an American . . . even if he does have a big head."

"Vince! He's not real. He's a marketing gimmik!"

"Oh yeah . . . then who's the guy on the commercials if not Jack . . . some guy in a suit?"

"Vince, you're the third most ignorant person I've ever met in my life. Do you ever seperate fantasy from reality?"

"Is there a difference?"

Aarron stepped in between Vince and I. Listen, why don't the two of you join Mercedes and I and throw away that food-like stuff you got from McCrummy's."

"Aarron, you and Mercedes' cooking makes McJunky's food seem gourmet. You two can't cook toast without messing it up. Don't you remember last year when the entire membership of the Annoying Genius' Society got sick from that dish you strangely called tuna casserole?"

"Hey! They recovered!"

Needless to say, I swallowed the last bit of my Heart Stopper of a burger and walked out. There was already smoke pouring out of the kitchen.



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