GDI Movie Theater - Entertainment is Good

    AFI has a list of great films.  There are web sites up the ass that list the great films.  Every swinging Johnson on the planet has a list of great films.  Why do we have a list of great films?  Because our list is right.  You see, we have it figured out.  We know what makes a truly great film.  You want to know the secret?  It's simple.  A great film is one that you can watch over and over again and never tire of it.  Sure Citizen Kane is a masterpiece, but how many times in a week can you watch it before getting tired and screaming "It's a fucking sled!"

    A great film has to make you want to stay home and watch it.  A great film will come between you and your significant other and they will lose.  You will own several copies of this film and if they release a different version you will buy a second TV to play them simultaneously so you can see what exactly changed.  A truely great film will make you obsessed and you will need therapy.

    So here are some of the films, in no particular order.
The Film
Why It's The Greatest?
There are so many reasons why it is the greatest (and I mean number 1) Science Fiction film ever made.  First off, it's a non-stop roller-coaster ride of action.  Second, there are great one-liners that you and your friends can throw at each other, sober or drunk.  It has everything a growing boy needs: gunfire, explosions, cool monsters, hot chicks.  More importantly, it has identifiable characters that you actually develop a bond with.  No other action movie has been able to pull off getting the audience to feel for an ensemble cast in an action movie in such a quick fashion.  Alien was great and it scared the crap out of you, but Aliens wore you out . . . and it made you want more.  Screw the other two films that came out after it.
The Fifth Element
The what?  How many people have never even seen this film?  It did not do well in the box office, but that is not the benchmark for a great film.  This movie is visually stunning.  Luc Besson directed it and if you liked The Professional, then you have to like this film.  The special effects are outstanding and there are many quotable lines.  There is a truly hot chick who kicks ass.  Great villains, gunfire, explosions, comedy.  It is just a great film.  I own this on VHS, Laser Disc and DVD.
The Terminator Series
James Cameron makes great films (except Titanic and that fucking Dark Angel series).  The Terminator and it's sequel need no explaining.  Classic one-liners, cool special effects and nothing but action.  It also did what most sequels cannot do, it got better.  Linda Hamilton turned into a full-on hottie, the special effects got better, the story flowed.  It is also one of the few movies that demands a sequel (which must take place all in the future).
The Lethal Weapon Series
Do I really need to explain this?  Without a doubt, the greatest buddy films ever made.  Dirty Harry was a great cop film, but these four films are the greatest buddy cop films ever made.  You watch them, you can see they really are having fun making the movie.  You can't swing a dead cat without hitting some action.  There classic one-liners, appropriate nudity and hot chick action, believable family problems, comedy and tragedy.  More importantly, each sequel kept the same pace.  Even when they introduced new characters, they were able to stay solid.
Escape From New York
Two words . . . Snake Plisken.  Many of the great films have great anti-heroes.  Snake is king.  One hell of a story and plenty of gunfire, this film was probably the last great "America is in the toilet" film made.  This movie required a sequel and got it (Escape From L.A.).  It was great but America simply wasn't willing to accept such a bleak concept at the time.  Of course now that we have a Republican in power, the economy and general social goodness of the nation will go to shit, so maybe we need to find out what happened in Cleveland.
Army of Darkness
Okay, this one gives us pretty much everything we want.  Action, special effects, comedy and great one-liners.  Bruce Campbell rocks and you can never tire of this flick.  There are several versions out there and you have to decide which way to go.  If you go with the regular version, but there are some scenes within the movie that are missing.  You could choose to go with the Directors cut which has all of the deleted scenes, but ends the film with the other ending which is not as good as the standard ending.  Technically this is Evil Dead III.  I have three different versions of this film on VHS, two versions on DVD and one on Laser Disc.
Big Trouble in Little China
Kurt Russel and John Carpenter, a combination of goodness that never disappoints.  These two cats have not made a bad flick.  Now Big Trouble is a campy tribute to Chines Kung Fu films, but there isn't a damn thing wrong with that.  Like many of the other films on this list it is dominated by great one-liners.  Plus Kin Catrell is a total hottie in it.  This is a flick that definitely demands a sequel but will probably never see one.
The Die Hard Series
I have been hammering in this point repeatedly.  One-liners make a great flick.  Even if the film is average, if you are quoting lines from it months after seeing it, then it is a great flick.  The Die Hard films are definitely that except that they are way above average.  Butt tons of action, kick ass special effects, funny moments and fresh takes on the classic terrorists seize whatever bit.
The Matrix
Very few people will argue with me when I say that this film is one of the best action films made in a very long time.  Hot chicks, mind blowing storyline, and outstanding special effects.  Keanu Reeves is not a great actor but the fact of the matter he pulls the role off.  Lawrence Fishburn is THE MAN in this film.  The special effects shown in this film will be mimicked by other action films for decades to come.  That in itself should be enough to cement this flicks reputation.
The Star Wars Trilogy
The Indiana Jones Trilogy
The Thing
Fucking mind blowing.  This is by far John Carpenters finest work.  If you haven't seen this film then you don't know shit about sci-fi or horror.  When I first saw this flick I freaked out, and there were people who actually left the theater.  Filled with paranoia and spookiness, this film is simply a mind-bender.  Kurt Russell is at his finest and the special effects are tops.  You must watch this film or your will die a pathetic, unfulfilled life.
Pretty Woman
You are probably saying to yourself, what the fuck is going on here.  This isn't an action film.  Well duh!  That doesn't mean it's bad.  The fact of the matter is that it is a great film.  It is fun to watch and Julia Roberts was hot in it.  There are funny moments and there are times when you actually feel emotional.  Seriously, every guy should see this film.
Clint Eastwood Films (With Very Few Exceptions)
Fuck DiNiro, Fuck Nicholson, Fuck John Wayne.  Clint Eastwood is America's greatest actor.  You cannot look at his resume of success and say otherwise.  He is box office gold and a cinematic artist.  Instead of listing every film worth watching that he's done, I'll list the ones to stay away from:  Tightrope, Sudden Impact, The Dead Pool, Bronco Billy, Those two fucking films with the ape and The Bridges of Madison County.  That's it!  Every other Clint film should be in your video collection.  If you don't have the money to buy them all, then go with the big 5: Outlaw Jose Wales, Unforgiven, Dirty Harry, In The Line of Fire, Magnum Force.

    These are the also-rans.  They are outstanding flicks that deserve to be mentioned and should be in your collection.

Running Scared, Stakeout, Another Stakeout
Why should I point these out.  Because they are good you idiot.  Buddy cop films are all about manliness.  First lets talk about Running Scared.  A film that actually came out Before the Lethal Weapon Series, it was the top of the buddy cop films until Mel and Danny took the title.  Still a keeper, between Billy Crystal's jokes and some pretty good one-liners.  The other one(s) worth mentioning are the Stakeout series.  Again, funny and a cast that looks like they are having fun.  Emilio Estavez is actually not annoying.

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