High Beam’s Hijinks – Ordering a Pizza

Okay so I was watching Paragon’s Most Wanted and for the fourth time that day, Dr. Vahzilok had been arrested.  Also there has been a rise in purse snatchings as well as office worker hostage situations and scientist kidnappings.  Just a normal day.  I was hungry so I ordered a Pizza from Paragon Pizza.  Five hours later it arrived cold as hell and I was a little peeved, but then the delivery dude told me his tale.

The Pizza place took my order and within minutes they had it made.  But as soon as Jeff (the delivery guy) stepped out, he was mugged by a pair of Hellions with the words “Minion” embroidered on their denim jackets.  As they tugged back and forth with his wallet for like 10 minutes, a hero came up and “arrested” the two foes.  He thanked them saying something about “being wrong about capes” and moved on to try and deliver my pizza.

Getting into his delivery vehicle (a Pinto in fact), he started driving to his delivery destination.  Traffic in Paragon is a pain because there are dozens of heroes running past you, into traffic, being chased by minions or chasing minions.  Additionally there was a road rage factor for him because so many heroes were running faster than his car (then again, this is expected with a Pinto).  He had to drive slow because the last time he hit a stray Clockwork Cog, it tore the hell out of his grill and cost him 500 influence to fix.  But that was the beginning.

At a stop light he was carjacked by some lackey of the Vahzilok named Ted Reaper, he knew this because the green glowing woman (whom we will call Lum for brevitys sake) in leather kept reminding him of the fact as they shoved him in the back of his car.  He was not extatic because it was the fifth time this week.  So he was taken to a sewer that Lum seemed to have set up shop in.  She was fully prepared for some hero to raid her headquarters, she estimated in like 90 minutes.  Sure enough he heard the sounds of fighting and knew he would soon be rescued.  And with less than five minutes to spare he was.  Again he thanked the heroes and left, covered in sewage.  His car was still parked out in front, though it had been broken into by a trio of Skulls that seemed to need a flashlight in broad daylight.  But he got back in the car hoping to complete his delivery.  The pizza was, as always still in the car.

But he got four flat tires in Talos Island when he ran over some caltrops left by the Tsoo which forced him to walk the rest of the way to the ferry to take him to my place in Peregrine Island.  Naturally he was again mugged by the Warriors and lectured by some Freakshow and watched some hero get flattened by Devouring Earth.

When he got on the ferry, he relaxed, knowing that it would be his only break.  When he landed in Peregrine he made his way to the north end of the island.  He was mugged again by some Carnies but they were stopped by a hero.  He did not thank the hero that time because the “valiant Hero of the City” kept letting the Master Illusionist escape and spawn more of her magical lackeys.  Damn Badge Whores.  Then some Nemesis guy tried to recruit him and when he declined, got pistol whipped by the Lancer’s Blunderbuss.  I mean really, who uses a Blunderbuss.

Finally he reached my apartments and then that was where his day really went south.  The elevators were down.  Granted they are always down because everyone that lives above the third floor has flight.  To protect our identities, none of our rooms have numbers on them.  So he had to go door to door asking for me, High Beam.  He was amazed as all of the weird things that heroes do.

Even the stuff that isn’t perverted and involving spandex is just weird.  Like the lengths heroes will go to earn the medical badges, letting their friends beat the crap out of them in order to heal themselves.  Not to mention everyone’s sudden obsession with HO’s.  Granted, the Pizza guy admitted that even he needed some sleazy loving once and a while . . . then realized that it was a different HO they were talking about.

I felt bad for the kid.  A 20 year old kid with no super powers, covered in sewer water and Vahzilok vomit, beaten and bruised, every thing in his wallet stolen (including his Sam’s Club Card), car damaged, tired and had to climb twenty stories to deliver a cold pizza.  But he kept his chin up because he took pride in the fact that the “normal” people of Paragon City make New Yorkers look like wimps.

I respected that so I gave him a two dollar tip instead of my normal one.  I think he mumbled something about Nemesis being right about capes.

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