High Beam’s Hijinks – Will The Real Carnie Please Stand Up
As I sit in Peregrine Island, sipping my Cappuccino, I see
a small cluster of Carnies nearby. At that moment I wasn’t messing with them
and they weren’t messing with me or any citizens, so technically they have the
right to assemble in public. Of course the street vendors were not happy with
this because they all know that Bronze Strongman was not going to order latte,
and it was doubtful that the Master Illusionist was going to get that airbrushed
velour Def Leopard T-Shirt. They had cleared out leaving the Carnies just
standing around in their fancy clothes encompassing all the colors of the
rainbow. The colors kids, THE COLORS!
But this really got me thinking about these clowns of evil. They really are evil you know, and I just don’t mean their combat abilities. I mean they trick your mind and they rip you off . . . much like their real world counterparts. But these are your classic European looking clowns . . . the Harlequin or the Punchinello, not your hobo or your rainbow wig flavor. And in actuality, they are not even carnies, they are circus performers, Cirque de Soleil, but after dropping acid.
How did this happen? How did we go from money (and psychotic) entertainers to disturbing (and guaranteed psychotic) parodies. So as I mulled over this interesting (uhhhh) dilemma, it dawned on me, you take what people love (and not fear) and twist it so that that which is beloved and trusted becomes feared and hated. Filled with caffeine and mental instability, I imagined what the real Carnival of Shadows would be like.
Tin Strongman aka Bubba - Balding, ex-bush league wrestler, body mass based on Budweiser consumption. That hammer he is wielding is from the construction site he works at to pay the bills. His super powers are “I’ll Let Ya Punch Me In The Stomach For $20.” Also come in a Vinyl Trailer Siding Strongman version (Lieutenant).
Harlot Juggler/Fencer aka Crystal or Brittney – Their brightly colored tube tops identify them as minions. Actually can’t chew gun and talk at the same time no less juggle. They run the “kissin” booths and cotton candy machines and after the carnival closes at 11 PM they get drunk on Wild Turkey, dance on the rickety picnic tables and have a battle cry of “Ya’ll I’m so drunk!” You can only find them spawned in pickup trucks, half naked after midnight.
Ride Attendant – Yep! The dangerously skinny man with the greasy mullet, cigarette stained teeth and an excessively yellowed “wife beater” T-Shirt on. He gives you your safety brief which makes it very clear that Southeast Alabama Entertainment will bear no responsibility for any accidental death or dismemberment. Inherently weak resistances to random drug sampling and Skoal.
Prize Illusionist – Yep these barkers of deceit and misery have a mental attack that will disorient anyone for at least 10 minutes basically opening them to attack. Though this stun effect is not as long as that of Malta Operatives, this Carnie makes up for it by forcing you to give him all of your money to play ring toss games, or foosball in the vain hope that you will win a nice prize for your date.
There are no Master Illusionists because that title requires a minimum High School education and let’s be honest, no Carnie has ever made it past the 8th grade.
You have seen Carnie get togethers with the elaborate carnival tents set up and the fanciful music and nice plush couches. Well a real Carnie setup would essentially be about six trailers of varying size and shades of rust, about a half dozen Ford F-150 pick-up trucks, one large U-Haul van with license plates of undetermined origin and some version of a Tilt-A-Whirl manufactured in 1937. There are not a lot of places in the game where the “weeds to your knees that hide a broke down Chevelle” tile set will work.
I finished my Cappuccino, tipped the waiter and went home. I didn’t feel like beating Carnies any more that day. After all it’s not like at age 8 they said “momma, I don’t want to be no doctor, I wanna work the dunk tank.” Besides people that eat broken glass and sell tainted corn dogs need jobs too, otherwise they’d be forced to work at Wal Mart. Now that is EVIL.
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